


Can’t you stop for a bit for me?

by music_is_my_life



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Donghun Byeongkwan and Sehyoon are only mentioned, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Kang Yuchan-centric, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Kissing, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:22:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/music_is_my_life/pseuds/music_is_my_life
Summary: Kang Yuchan was known as the sunshine of A.C.E, their personal happy pill if you will. But even he had his down times. When everything was just a bit too much, nerves on edge and mind spiralling out of control.
Relationships: Kang Yuchan | Chan & Park Junhee | Jun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 59





	Can’t you stop for a bit for me?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there ^^
> 
> I’m back with another A.C.E fanfic and for the first time I’ve finally managed to write something angsty. 
> 
> I’m so sorry for torturing poor Chanie like this… but I've had the idea stuck in my head for days and I just had to get it out of my system.
> 
> Uhm… have fun reading? :)

Kang Yuchan was known as the sunshine of A.C.E, their personal happy pill if you will. But even he had his down times. When everything was just a bit too much, nerves on edge and mind spiralling out of control. In those moments, he would drown in self-doubts, a small voice in his head driving him crazy to the point he believed what it whispered to him.

He was very cautious as to when he let himself fall apart. Forcing back his tears until he stood underneath the hot spray of water of their shower. Or when the dorm laid vacant, he would let his helpless hiccups be the only sounds echoing through the empty hallways.

It wasn’t that the other four boys weren’t observant. They tried to approach their youngest on several occasions when they felt that he wasn’t fully his hyper self. Yuchan just always pushed them aside, reassuring them that he was fine. Although that was far from the truth.

Don’t get him wrong, crying in front of people was ok. But mostly the tears came out of joy or when something really heart-warming happened. Even sad tears were no problem to a certain degree.

But these tears were different; ugly and bitter. Never for one to see. And if he could choose, he would never want to see – or feel – them again either.

After those escapades, he always felt bad for blocking out the ones that cared for him. But he just couldn’t help it. Not even his mother, with whom he shared a very deep bond, could reach him when he was in that state.

He never was one to share his deepest core, simply because he didn't want to burden anyone with it.

xXx

After a very exhausting day of running from recording a variety show to vocal training to dance practice, Yuchan wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed, to sleep and never wake up. Or at least until he felt well rested. But that was nearly impossible with a comeback right around the corner.

His heart clenched in that tell-tale sign like it always did when he was close to slipping. It was a long time coming, building up over the hazy days of the past week. He wasn’t even sure what day it was.

Day by day he had pushed his swirling emotions to the back of his mind, refusing to let them spill. He knew it was a horrible way to cope, but to look deeper into that, there was simply not the time.

It was sad, really. He knew he could trust his family, his teammates. Even beat interactive. He should be grateful that the people of his company cared so much about the wellbeing of their artist.

But the problem laid somewhere else. He refused to accept that he was allowed to feel bad. Allowed to seek help when everything was too much.

When he got home, he managed to force himself to take a quick shower. He still had that much self-awareness left in himself to accept that he smelled pretty bad.

The water was way too hot, turning his skin pink and sensitive in an instant. He didn’t care though, rubbing the soap harshly into it. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes.

_No._

He clutched his upper arms, leaving crescent marks with his fingernails.

_Not now._

Gulping down the clump in his throat, he turned off the hot spray of water.

After he had dried himself and slipped into a set of fresh clothes, he headed straight to the room he shared with Junhee. He dived headfirst into his bed and tugged his, in contrary to his heated body, cold blanket over himself.

He didn’t even have the motivation to eat. And he loved to eat.

Donghun would give him a piece of his mind about that for sure.

Thankfully, the eldest wasn’t home. No one was actually. The dorm laid in absolute silence.

Byeongkwan and Sehyoon stayed longer in the practice room to sharpen some dance moves. And If he recalled correctly, Donghun had agreed to go shopping with Junhee and to later eat dinner together.

They didn’t ask him to stay or tag along.

Normally, that wouldn’t be an issue. He knew he was close to resembling a corpse and he appreciated that they allowed him to go home and rest. But he couldn’t help feeling left out.

The bitter feeling, in addition to his already heavy heart were enough for him to finally reach his breaking point.

The tears, which he held back over the remainder of the last few days, falling uncontrollably now. Heavy sobs wrecked his body. He tugged his blanket closer around his shaking frame.

In a weak attempt to stifle his sounds, he pressed his face into his pillow.

But even then, they were still too loud. To shrill. So fucking annoying.

He hated it. Hated being weak. Hated being in no control of his body and emotions.

His slender fingers clutched the already damp fabric of the pillowcase tightly, pressing the pillow even closer to his face. It was suffocating, but also extremely grounding. To feel something beside the pain in his heart.

His chest heaved with how much he was crying.

_I don’t belong here._

He wanted to scream. Maybe he did, he wasn’t sure.

_Worthless._

His body shivered, but he wasn’t cold.

_Am I really doing the right thing?_

Nails clawed into his arms in a stupid attempt to feel something, like he did in the shower.

_Pathetic._

A wave of new tears streamed down his face. He whipped them away harshly with the cuffs of is hoodie.

_A fucking cry-baby._

He choked on an exhale.

_A good for nothing._

Endlessly, the bitter thoughts soared through his mind, knocking his clear senses far, far away.

The clump in his throat hurts so much. A whine escaped him.

Everything stuttered to a halt when a gentle hand tugged at his shoulder, forcing him to roll onto his back. The concerned eyes of his leader came into view.

Shit. Why was he home already?

“Hyung.”

Yuchan’s tongue felt like sandpaper as it formed the word. It hurts. It hurts so much.

Before Yuchan could’ve stopped it, a wet hiccup ripped out of his throat. He squeezed his swollen and tear brimming eyes shut.

Junhee gently pried his fingers away from the pillow, tugging it out of his hold.

Yuchan let him.

He opened his eyes again only to see the pained smile painted over Junhee’s pretty face.

_Don’t look at me._

Tenderly, Junhee whipped the tears away from Yuchan’s cheeks. They both knew it was a lost cause since the next ones were already close to spilling.

_Leave me alone._

Yuchan tried to pull away, tried to avoid the understanding eyes of the older boy. He failed to move, the grip Junhee had on his shoulder was firm. Nowhere near painful, but strong enough.

_Stop caring._

More tears rolled from the corner of his eyes. His body went stiff when slender arms curled around his shaking body, pulling him into an upright position.

_I don’t deserve it._

Gently, Junhee nestled Yuchan’s head underneath his chin, placing a grounding hand to the back of his head while the other traced small, soothing patterns over his tense spine and shoulder blades.

_Stop._

A low hum drifted into Yuchan’s ears and it took him a few seconds to realise that Junhee was singing. For him.

_I don’t deserve you._

Junhee rocked them from side to side, his smooth and gentle voice trickling into Yuchan’s rushing ears, filling up every corner of his hurting heart and soul.

Warmth bloomed in his chest as he listened to Junhee’s voice.

Slowly, Yuchan’s breath calmed down. Tears were no longer dripping from his eyes, but he still felt like crying. This time though, for a different reason. He was just so touched by the gesture, overwhelmed even.

A few songs later Junhee let his voice fade out on the last tone.

Now, it was once again quiet. It wasn’t uncomfortable though.

He let out a shaky breath, feeling content in the comforting hold. He stretched his arms to place them around Junhee’s waist, subtly urging the older to tug him closer.

And that Junhee did, wrapping himself even more around him.

Yuchan snuggled his face into the crook of the other boy’s neck. A faint smile formed on his lips as he basked in the warmth of Junhee’s body.

Yuchan could feel Junhee’s calm heartbeat thumping against his ear, mingling with his own.

He felt tired. The overflow of emotions took a huge toll on him. That and the gentle fingers that were still dancing over his back were putting him in a sleepy state of mind.

“Yuchan,” Junhee mumbled lowly, breaking the silence.

With a hum, Yuchan signalised that he had his attention.

With a sigh Junhee continued, “you are allowed to feel bad. You know that, right?”

Junhee’s words made Yuchan look up. He almost faltered at the tender look in the other’s eyes, but he forced himself to keep the eye contact.

Why did he know exactly what was bothering him? Sure, Junhee had never seen Yuchan cry like that until now, but that couldn’t be proof enough to grasp what was going on in Yuchan’s head.

Junhee took his face into his palms. He traced a thumb over Yuchan’s, still a bit damp, cheek.

“To us, you’re always our cute, precious, little sunshine. With or without a smile on your face. Ok? _Always_.”

Yuchan nodded slowly, letting the other’s words sink in.

He tried to believe him. He really did. But the small, annoying voice in the back of his mind whispered the exact opposite to Junhee’s words, putting him once again in doubts.

Heat flared up in his chest. Suffocating him with its force.

_You don’t deserve his tender words._

_You don’t deserve his caring eyes._

_You don’t deserve-_

A gentle tap to his furrowed forehead made him snap out of his spiralling thoughts. He blinked, a few fresh tears falling from his lashes. He hadn’t realised he had started crying again.

Junhee’s eyes met his and the older smiled.

“You are allowed to cry, but you also deserve to be taken care off.”

Yuchan gulped down the heavy clump that was blocking his throat and forced himself to return the smile, to push the taunting voice away.

It felt awkward to smile after so long, a bit stiff even. But relieving too.

“You can always come to me if you’re feeling that way. Or to the other boys,” Junhee looked down at Yuchan’s shoulder, then added in a quiet voice, “if you are more comfortable with them.”

Yuchan knew that. He knew he could go to any of the boys and be met with open and comforting arms.

He knew and still did the exact opposite. It was stupid. Stupid and stubborn. And his hyungs had to deal with his stubbornness every day.

Now he felt bad.

He should be grateful that he had such caring teammates. He had heard the horror stories about other groups, where they barely talked with each other besides what was deemed necessary.

“Yes, I will. thank you hyung,” he mumbled. Embarrassment glowing on his cheeks.

He hadn’t just said it to put Junhee at ease. It was an encouragement for himself too. He knew what Junhee implied with his last sentence. The older boy wished he would reach out to him first.

And maybe Yuchan will. It would be easier since Junhee had seen him in that state already.

The gentle touch on his arm pulled him out of his thoughts.

“That’s good. It… it hurts me – us – to see you like this. Not being able to help. I… But you don’t have to feel forced! That’s- not. It’s just-“

Yuchan couldn’t hold back his chuckles. How Junhee was wringing to find the right wording to get his point across was just so endearing.

“Junhee, it’s ok. I understand,” he tried to reassure the other, grinning.

His face fell when Junhee stared at him with wide eyes. Only then he realized he had forgotten something. Formalities.

“I-I mean-“

Judging by the laugh that interrupted his apology, Junhee didn’t mind his slip up the slightest.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re back to being your bratty self.”

Junhee shrieked when Yuchan slapped his arm playfully. They grinned at each other, snickering like dorks.

Junhee reached out, curling his hand around the back of Yuchan’s head. It was familiar, the way he nuzzled his nose into his hair. Yuchan smiled, his heart swelling.

In Junhee he had truly found a good friend, almost like a brother.

“Thank you,” Yuchan breathed out.

_Thank you for caring about me. For being there for me._

Junhee pulled Yuchan close again, hugging him tightly. He pressed a chaste kiss to the crown of Yuchan’s head, then ruffled his hair affectionately.

“Always little one, always.”

The idle atmosphere was shattered in an instant when Yuchan’s stomach grumbled loudly.

Junhee eyed Yuchan suspiciously.

“Have you not eaten yet?”

A sheepish grin spread across Yuchan’s face. That was confirmation enough for Junhee to pull the younger to his feet and out of their shared room, heading straight for the kitchen.

Yuchan protested loudly against the harsh treatment, but Junhee only laughed. And soon, Yuchan joined him, his signature cackling echoing loudly through their small kitchen.

It would be a lie to say that Yuchan felt great now, filled with only positive thoughts and ready to scream his happiness across the globe. His mind didn’t work like that. It still would take a few hours, or days even, to be his full hyper self. But it was better. Thanks to Junhee. If the other boy hadn’t appeared, he knew for sure that he would’ve spent the evening curled up in his bed. Heavy sobs wrecking his body until his tears dried out and his throat was hoarse and dry.

Kang Yuchan never was one to share his deepest core with anyone. But maybe, he thought to himself, he could try being more honest with his gloomy feelings from now on. And opening up to Junhee was the first step in that direction.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this emotional mess. Feedbacks and kudos are always welcome! And of you want to scream at me you can find me on twitter (@snowinspring98)
> 
> By the way, the title is from the English translation of a lyrics part from epic high’s song “home is far away”.
> 
> Stay healthy peeps!


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